Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Mama's Family Fan Fiction Volume 4: Let's Blow this Circus!

Back in the yard Bubba was fighting his robotic counterpart. Robo Bubba seemed to have the upper hand. Then all of a sudden Vint came flying around the corner in his station wagon, his slutty wife Naomi by his side. Vinton stuck his head outside the window and screamed, “Get out of the way Bubba!!!” Bubba escaped the grasp of robot Bubba and retreated backwards several feet. “This is for the lesbian robot women of Mars!” shouted Vinton. “Huh?” grunted Robot Bubba. BAM! Vinton’s station wagon plowed into the back of unsuspecting Robot Bubba. A bunch of sonic screeches came from the voice box of Robot Bubba as his metallic body was crushed by Vinton’s Firestone tires. “That’s one more down,” said Naomi. “And several more to go,” said Vint.

BAM! Robot Iola’s head exploded as a bullet ripped through her metal skull. “Arrgghh! What have you done to my daughters?” screamed Iola’s Mother. “It was an evil robot from Mars Mother! I’m you’re real daughter!” said Iola. “Why would you think there are two of us?” asked Iola. “Well a long time ago I had a…an…ABORTION! There were two of you Iola, you were twins. I didn’t have enough money for two children and since I couldn’t afford to give you both comfortable lives I decided to have one of you killed, but only because I love you!” said Iola’s Mother. “You Monster!!!” said Iola. Thelma, Iola, and Joey angrily left the house and met up with Vinton, Bubba, and Naomi in the yard. “Where do we go now?” asked Bubba. “We should head down to food circus and kill my robot before it sleeps with the manager again!” said Naomi. “Again?” said Vinton. “Never mind, let’s just get to the Food Circus, I just had a baby, I’m an annoying slut (yada yada yada)!” said Naomi. The Harpers and Iola jumped in the station wagon with the others. Joey Ramone stood atop the car, like a stone wall! Iola’s mother came running out of the house and tried to flag down the car. “I’m sorry!” she screamed. The station wagon sped off into the sunset as Joey Ramone sang “Beat on the Brat”!

The caravan of courage pulled up into the Food Circus parking lot. They all got out of the vehicle and walked through the automated glass doors. “There she is,” murmured Naomi as she spotted her robotic counterpart chatting up the manager. “What do we do?” asked Vint. “We kill that slut bot!” shouted Naomi. “Now that’s one thing you and me can agree on,” said Mama. The audience laughed as the gang hid behind a large display of 3-liter sodas and spied on Naomi Bot. “You know Mr. Manager I think there’s been a spill that needs cleaning up,” said Naomi Bot in a sexual tone. “Oh really, where at?” asked the manager in an even more sexual tone. “Aisle 69,” replied Naomi Bot in a very very sexual tone. “That’s it I’m gonna have to kill this one on my own,” said Naomi as she got out from behind the display. Naomi marched forward towards the robot. The manager sees her coming and shouts, “There are two of you!” Then the camera stays on him for a second as we hear a voice-over thought in his head, “Wait a minute, this could be pretty cool”. Then he gets all lusty eyed and the audience laughs really hard at the stupid greasy man. Naomi Bot turns around and Naomi screams, “My robot is pregnant!” as she notices a pooch in the belly. Then Naomi Bot goes freaking nuts and starts kicking and whaling her skinny arms at Naomi. Naomi gets knocked down and the family jumps out from hiding. The gang all attacks Naomi Bot. Vinton grabs the manager of the store by the throat and says, “So you wanna be inside my woman, huh?!?” The manager makes a funny face that makes the TV audience laugh then Vinton delivers a cool punch line. “Well today’s your lucky day,” says Vint as he slams the manager’s head through the chest of Naomi Bot. The robot made a loud squeal and then fell over. The gang gathered around the robot and the dead manager. “Ya think it’s dead Vint?” asked Bubba. “Maybe, we should poke it with a stick,” said Vint. Then all of a sudden Naomi Bot opened her eyes and yelled “Initiate self destruction!”

A loud tick began to emanate from the robot’s body. “It’s some kind of bomb!” yelled Thelma as she clarified the situation to the stupid audience. “Quick we got to get out of here!” yelled Naomi. Joey Ramone held up a note that said, “It’s no good the bomb is too powerful, there isn’t enough time to escape!” “I don’t want to die!” yelled Bubba. Then, a voice came from the automatic glass doors shouting “Don’t be afraid, none of you will die today!” Iola turned around and looked. “Mother?!?” she gasped. “I’m sorry about the abortion Iola, but today I will redeem myself. I am going to contain the bomb’s explosion so you don’t have to die!” said Mother. “But we don’t even know where the bomb is in her,” said Iola. Mother approached the robot and said “I do, it’s time for one last abortion before I go.” Mother punched the robotic pregnant stomach of Naomi Bot, penetrating her synthetic womb. Her hand emerged grasping a cold metal bomb. The ticker read 10 seconds. “Quick get everyone out of here!” shouted Bubba. A crowd of shoppers fled the building followed by the Harper bunch (plus Joey and Iola). “I’ll always love you Iola!” shouted Iola’s Mother as her daughter fled the building. Standing in the empty grocery store, Mother raised her head toward the heavens and shouted, “Let’s blow this circus!” BOOM!

“Will Mama, her family, and Joey Ramone be safe from the blast? Will you get to see Iola’s mother explode? Can the gang find and defeat the last and most powerful robot impostor, Mama Bot?!?! Find out in the final chapter of the Mama’s Family Fan Fiction!”

To Be Continued

Monday, January 26, 2009

Mama's Family Fan Fiction Volume 3

I bet you didn't see this coming did you? I bet you're thinking "this guy is an idiot, who gives a crap about Mama and her Family"! Well I for one think that's the problem with America today; the family has been forgotten and so has Mama! By writing this fan fiction I am taking a stand for families, old people music, and TBS! Long live Mama, and long live her family!

Mama’s Family Fan Fiction Volume 3: Harper Family Fragfest!

Naomi’s body layed on the couch, surrounded by the rest of the Harper family (and Iola). They were all staring at what had come out of Naomi’s uterus, a Teenager from Mars! At that moment a loud knocking came from the front door. Vinton ran to answer it, however his eyes stayed focused on the strange thing that had just came out of Naomi’s slutty body. Vinton reached for the door knob, then suddenly a hand burst through and grabbed him. The hand banged him against the door violently. All the other Harpers and Iola started to scream, but not Mama. Mama never runs, even when you throw her from a train. Mama jumped up and grabbed her broom. She charged toward the door with the speed of a very quick animal. She pulled the broom back and launched it forward through the door, into the chest of the Vinton shaking intruder. “Ahhh!” screamed a frightened Vinton. “It’s okay, Mama’s here now,” said Mama.

The two of them backed away from the door and looked once again at the strange thing that Naomi gave birth to. There stood the Teenager from Mars, standing like a stone wall. He wasn’t saying anything or moving. Iola thought it was dead and started telling Naomi she had a stillborn baby because she’s a tramp, and tramps don’t deserve to have children, but if they did have children they would have diseases, or be born dead, just like Naomi’s baby. At that moment the strange man that had grabbed Vinton burst through the door. All the Harpers and Iola (but not the stillborn sin baby) were shocked. The intruder was none other than Vinton himself. “Two Vintons!” clarified Bubba. “Oh dear Lord, there’s enough noises coming from that basement with just one of them,” said Mama. The audience laughed, and then the Vinton who didn’t bust through the door stood up and asked, “Which one is the real me? I’m confused!” Suddenly hot steam began to rise off the body of the Teenager from Mars. The slime evaporated off the teenager’s body quite quickly and his eyes opened. The teenager quickly reached for his pocket and pulled out a pair of glasses and put them on. “I know who you are,” said Bubba, “You’re Joey Ramone!” Joey Ramone made a noise that somewhat resembled speech. Joey leapt forward towards the intruding Vinton. Joey made a loud grunt and busted his head right through the chest of Vinton. Sparks flew everywhere as the real Vinton hid in a corner and Mama started worrying about the furniture getting burnt. Bubba shouted, “It’s a robot! That Vinton’s a robot……from MARS!!!!!!!!” Then Joey Ramone made a noise that sounded like it was meant to clarify Bubba’s discovery.

Joey Ramone picked up the robot body of Vinton and threw it onto the lawn. He then crushed it using a nearby child. “What’s going on?” asked Mama. “I think Joey knows what's goin' on,” said Bubba. Joey Ramone came walking up the steps of the front porch and came back into the Harper house. Bubba handed him a notepad and a pen. Joey grunted and began to write a message on the notepad. A few minutes later he handed it back to Bubba. “What does it say Bubba? What’s it say?” asked Iola. “Pierre Bouvier is a no talent bastard,” said Bubba. Joey Ramone motioned for Bubba to flip the page. Bubba flipped the page and began to read, “I have come back to Earth again from Mars in order to help you fight off an invasion. In the future, on Mars, men and lesbian robot women lived in peace for many years. Then one day an evil scientist created an army of robots that looked like prominent members of our society. These robots killed their real-life counterparts and the scientist quickly took control of Mars. I was sent here to stop this world from being taken over by the same plan. The evil scientist seeks to take control of your world and he means to do it by first taking over your house. He has made a robotic counterpart for each of you, even Mama! Fight with me to save your world, and when we succeed I’ll play a rockin’ show the likes of which can only currently be seen on our DVDs sold for $19.99 at your local Hot Topic store.” “I for one stand with Joey,” said Bubba. All the Harpers (and Iola) agreed to team up with Joey to fight the robots.

The robots will probably try to seek us out at our places of work or homes,” said Bubba. “Mother!” screamed Iola. Iola ran out the door and headed toward her house. The Harpers followed. Mama and Joey followed Iola into her house. However Naomi, Vinton, and Bubba got cut off by an unexpected guest, Robot Bubba! “I’ve got a plan shouted Vinton, you keep him busy Bubba, me and Naomi are gonna kill him.” “Okay,” said Bubba. Bubba and robot Bubba began to wrestle as Naomi and Vinton headed back behind the Harper house. Back inside Iola’s house, a startling discovery is about to be made. Iola ran into her mother’s bedroom. “Oh mother I’m so glad you’re okay!” said Iola. “Well of course I’m okay, you’ve been taking good care of me all day,” said Iola’s mother. “What?” questioned Iola. Joey, Iola, and Mama turned around and staring at them was robot Iola! Iola’s mother screamed. “You, you awful robot impostor, I’m gonna put you out of the picture!” shouted Iola. Iola reached for her purse and pulled out a small handgun. Joey Ramone did a sweep kick and knocked robot Iola off her feet. Joey grabbed the cold robot and held it down. “KILL IT!!!” yelled Mama (Harper Mama, not Iola’s Mama). Iola approached the robot, pointing her illegally purchased gun towards its head. “No!” screamed Iola’s mother.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Spin Me Round

The greatest music video ever made.

Friday, January 23, 2009

A Brief History of Pogs

First of all I’d like to tell about a little incident that happened to me this week that’s unrelated to this pogging article. A friend of mine asked me the question, “If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?” to which I replied “Christopher Lowell”. I found that quite amusing. Now, onto business…

The game of Pogs was originally invented in Hawaii as a Gentile alternative to that Jewish dreidel spinning game. However instead of winning pieces of chocolate money, you now win small pieces of circular cardboard. The novelty of the game relies on the fact that each pog contains a neat little image of a popular cartoon character, steroid abusing baseball player, or a gay community icon such as Bea Arthur. This aspect of the game awakened the greedy desire within children to collect things in a futile attempt to fill a giant void in their lives.

The original rules of Pogs are quite different from the ones we use today. Each player makes a stack of his/her pogs. One player then flips a coin (or pog) to see who goes first. The winner of the toss then takes his/her Slammer (a heavy pog often covered with spikes or some kind of poisonous substance) and throws it at their opponent's stack. The opposing player must eat every one of the pogs in his/her stack that got flipped over. If the “slamming” player fails to flip any of his opponent’s pogs, then he must commit seppuku. The true version of the game failed to catch on because of the meager fact that people are afraid to die. The boring, girly-man version of the game gained popularity and became the version that we all remember playing today.

Many wonder why the Pog craze faded out of pop culture. Despite the boring rules and overall “gayness” of the modern version of the game, I feel there are two main reasons pogs failed. One of them was Pokémon. As soon as Pokémon hit, that was all us stupid kids could think about. It attacked every possible market: toys, snack foods, birth control. It was impossible to escape, and quickly stole the spotlight away from the game of pogs. The second reason the game of pogs failed in a children’s market was because adults discovered the game was basically teaching children how to gamble. I praise our nations’ schools for banning pogs; children don’t need to learn about taking chances since our lives are predestined and risk-free.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Redefining Rurnt

I bet this bitch's face smells like cigarettes and piss. Get her the f*** off my planet.

Mama’s Family Fan Fiction Chapter 2 - The Slut, She Births

Welcome to the second installment of my glorious Mama's Family Fan Fiction. This is an entirely original work that I put a lot of effort into. There are some very important messages about family, sluts, and teenagers from mars in these stories so I encourage everyone to read them. If you haven't read the first chapter yet, then please read it first before continuing on.

Mama’s Family Fan Fiction Chapter 2: The Slut, She Births

After the commercials Thelma started acting like she needed to go to the basement. “I need to go to the basement and get the laundry” said Thelma. “No mama, it’s dark down there I don’t want you to get hurt,” said Vinton. “It’s okay honey I can see fine,” said Mama. “No mama you really shouldn’t go down there to get that laundry!” shouted Vinton. “Well why not? You sure as hell aren’t going to and nobody else in this damn house will either, so I’ve gotta do it Vinton, ol’ Mama has got to do it!” exclaimed Mama. “Naomi and I make love on the washing machine!” shouted Vinton. Bubba freaks out and starts wiping his hands on his pants and this one really annoying guy in the audience that laughs a whole lot louder than everyone else in the audience let out an extremely annoying laugh. “Ugghhh, if you ever mention anything about your sexual life again I will knock you upside the head with that bloody baseball bat that…Bubba’s holding in his hand!” shouted Mama. Thelma approaches Bubba. Bubba panics and starts looking around the room, eventually his eyes glance down the staircase, and Thelma’s eyes soon follow. “Oh my word!” said Thelma. “What have you done?”

“Now Mama, we thought she was an alien that was gonna attack Bubba,” said Vinton. “Yeah it’s true we heard old man Esau down at Food Circus talking about an Alien Apocalypse. He said that teenagers from mars are coming to invade Raytown,” said Bubba. “Teenagers from Mars??? Sounds like one of those crazy bands Bubba listens to that wear black tights and whip people” said Mama. “I’m serious Aunt Thelma, Esau said the Teenagers from Mars are coming to suck everyone’s brains out,” stated Bubba. “Well I don’t know why you two idiots are so worried, you don’t have any brains left to suck out,” replied Thelma. “Mama now you better listen or you’re gonna wake up one night with somebody sucking on your head,” said Vinton. “Well I handle the face sucking that goes on in the basement every night between you and that tramp, so I imagine I sure as hell can handle some pimply faced moron from mars trying to stick a straw into my ear,” said Thelma. “The only aliens coming to Raytown are the ones that come in van-loads and they wear sombreros!” said Thelma.

“Aliens…in Raytown??? That’ll be the day. Momma gets scared enough just from that Spock character on TV, she sure as goodness doesn’t need a star war going on in her own backyard!” said a voice from the basement. Everyone shouted “Iola?!?!” “Iola is that you?” asked Vinton. “Yeah it’s me,” said Iola from the basement. Iola staggered up the stairs. “I think I’m gonna be alright, just a little bruise on the noggin; nothin’ a good helping of green tea won’t fix up,” replied Iola. “Well it’s good just to know you’re alright after what these bubbling idiots did to you,” said Thelma. “Ohhhh!” moaned a woman from outside the house. “Vinton I think you’re whore of a wife is calling you” said Thelma. “Vinton open the door, I think I’m having the baby now!” cried Naomi. “What right now??? We’ve got to get to the hospital!” shouted Vinton as he opened the door. Bubba and Vinton helped Naomi into the door. “There’s no time just get me to the couch,” said Naomi. Vinton and Bubba escorted Naomi onto the couch in the den. “I’ll get some towels and the rubbing alcohol!” shouted Iola as she ran to the bathroom. Everyone in the audience gasped and made other related panicky noises as the screen faded to black for another damned commercial.

After that diabetes commercial with Wilferd Brimmley the show came back on and it appeared that several minutes had past. “It hurts Vint, I think the baby can’t get out; it feels like he’s still in my stomach!” shouted Naomi. Iola started running around talking about how her mother ate something nasty one time and made her feel like she was going to have a baby, but she really wasn’t because the nasty food just gave her rancid gas. “I think it’s coming out my stomach, oh no!” screamed Naomi. Then Bubba says something encouraging like “Hang in there Naomi!” A green, ovular object started pushing out of Naomi’s belly. Vinton grabbed Naomi’s hand and said “It look like a Leprechaun to me!!!” The green object began to push outward, rising several feet above the stomach of Vinton’s slutbag wife. “That’s no leprechaun,” muttered Iola, “it’s a…” “Teenager from Mars!” shouted everyone. Then the frame froze and the words “To Be Continued” appeared on screen and it was written in that old fashioned type like they use on the opening credits of the show. Some of the audience gasped, but most were too busy looking at a slime covered Joey Ramone coming up out of Naomi’s belly to read the reaction cue cards.

To Be Continued...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Happy Meal - A McHorror Film

The Diary of Harold the Homeless: Excerpt 24

9:00 AM – Woke up to sound of a crying hooker
9:30 AM – Spent 30 minutes consoling hooker and got to give her a screaming indian for half price as thanks.
10:15 AM – Fell asleep on hooker
11:00 AM - Woke up again
11:15 AM - Showered in park water fountain to get hooker stink off
11:30 AM – Went to the dumpster behind the abortion clinic to look for aborted fetuses
12:30 PM – Sold 4 aborted fetuses to Gourmet Chinese restaurant
1:30 PM – Used money to buy Chinese food for lunch (not from same restaurant)
2:00 PM – Took a dump in McDonald's Play Place ballpit
2:03 PM – Forced to vacate Play Place premises
2:30 PM - Went to park and ogled clean, decent women that find me repulsive
3:00 PM - Contemplate ending life
3:05 PM - Decide to piss on face of fellow homeless man instead while he sleeps
3:06 PM - Got in bumfight with homeless man that I pissed on
3:10 PM - Escaped from fight with most fake teeth still intact
3:30 PM – Loafed in abandoned industrial park on outside of city
4:30 PM – Found warehouse with a pit full of dead hookers, took a picture of it to put on my MySpace
5:30 PM - Uploaded picture to MySpace on public computer at local library
6:00 PM - Met older woman with poor eyesight in library that wanted to take me sexually
6:15 PM - Promised to take blind woman back to my box
6:45 PM – Took lady into back alley and shank her instead, obtained $30 and walking stick
6:47 PM – Realized shanking woman for money was bad idea, could have pursued meaningful relationship instead
6:50 PM – Hid the body of the only woman that might have ever loved me inside a storm drain, fled the scene
8:00 PM – Cried in my box while being laughed at by neighboring hookers and homeless
8:30 PM – Fell asleep, dreamed about waking up dead

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Mama's Family Fan Fiction - Chapter 1

I was thinking about all the strange things I’ve seen on the internet yesterday; from those stupid “Mr T. Ate My Balls” websites of yesteryear to the disturbing Gilligan’s Island erotic fan-fiction I mistakingly stumbled across one rainy night while looking for a picture of a coconut bomb. Today I wondered to myself if fan-fiction of the late 1980’s sitcom Mama’s Family existed. To my surprise I wasn’t able to find any during the 5 minutes I spent googling for it. What kind of age are we living in when a man can’t read about Vinton’s tomfoolery down at Kwik Keys without first sorting through hundreds of Google search results? I for one won’t stand for it so, I present to you the very first fan-fiction of Mama’s Family I know of, my first fan-fiction, and hopefully my last fan-fiction unless I write a sequel. I hate fan-fiction. If you write fan-fiction I hate you as well.

Mama’s Family Fan Fiction Chapter 1: Rayguns in Raytown

After that funky good old Mama’s family theme song, we see a fancy crane shot of Iola approaching the Harper’s front door. “Knock Knock” said Iola as she stood outside the Harper residence. Iola had just applied a new facial cream to her face and couldn’t wait to show Thelma (The Mama spoken of in the title of the television show.) However, Thelma was busy in the kitchen preparing her special Jesus Tear cookies for the Church bake sale and couldn’t hear Iola’s high-pitched announcement. Thelma?!?!?” shouted Iola as she worryingly continued to rub the green cream onto her old leathery skin. Iola was worried about her friend (they have lived across the street from each other since childhood), so she went around the house to go in the back door.

As Iola rounded the corner she spotted Vinton in a tree with a round, silver object atop his head. “Jumpin’ Jesuits Vinton, what are you doin’ up in the pecan tree for???” asked Iola. “It’s a Teenager from Mars!” screamed Vinton as he mistook Iola's identity because of the green cream on her face. The audience began to laugh as Vinton violently shook the tree limb he was atop trying to get Bubba’s attention. Bubba leaped out from behind a bush, brandishing a wooden baseball bat, and an angry disposition. He ran toward Iola as he pulled the bat back for a swing. At that moment Vinton shouted “Wait, Bubba, that’s ……IooooAhhhhh!” Vinton had gotten too excited, and he began to lose his balance. Vint’s warnings came a little too late however, because Bubba walloped Iola right in the back of head with his wooden bat. Bubba quickly turned to look at his blubbering buffoon of an Uncle. Vinton had swayed back and forth atop the tree limb momentarily, only to quickly lose his balance and fall into a cluster of metal garbage cans. Bubba quickly ran to the aid of his fallen Uncle. “Vint are you okay?” inquired Bubba. “Ohhhh” exclaimed Vinton from amongst the piles of rotten stinking garbage.

You’re a hero Vint, a darn tootin’ hero” exclaimed Bubba. “Huh?” questioned Vinton. “If it hadn’t of been for your warning, that teenager from Mars would of sucked my brains out” said Bubba. “Nooo” bellowed Vinton, “that was Iola you hit.” Bubba turned his head towards the fallen lanky body. “Oh my God!” exclaimed Bubba. “What’ll we do??? Do you think she’s alright???” asked Bubba. “Well I say we hide her in the basement until Naomi gets home, she’ll know what to do” suggested Vinton. “That’s a darn good idea Uncle Vint. When I grow up I hope I’m as smart as you are,” said Bubba. “Play your cards right boy, and I might just get you a job at Kwik Keys. Now come on, we better hide that body before Mama starts gettin’ suspicious,” said Vinton.

Bubba quickly threw the unconscious body of Iola over his shoulder, her mouth hung open, drooling onto his suspenders. Vinton cautiously peeked into the window over the sink; then crept up to the back door of the kitchen. He pointed his finger up towards his mouth as he motioned for his nephew Bubba to hush. Vinton nonchalantly entered the back door. “Hello mama,” he said as he skipped up towards her and gave her a warm hug from behind. “What the heck’s wrong with you Vinton??? You’ve got more spunk in your step than that Richard Simmons character,” said Mama. “Well mama, see I need to get some stain remover from ya because Naomi was down at the Bigger Jigger, for her new job interview ya know, and she done got that barbecue sauce all over her new dress on accident. She’s too embarrassed to come out to talk to her interviewer Mama, and ya know we’re gonna really need that extra money for the new baby!” exclaimed Vinton. “Well don’t get your panties in a knot, I’ll help, ya just follow me to the closet,” said Thelma. Thelma and Vinton leave the kitchen and head towards the closet in the den. Bubba hears them leave so he quietly sneaks in through the back door with Iola’s cold, unconscious body draped across his shoulder. Suddenly a loud buzz emanated from the stove. “Oh that’s the Jesus Tears, I’ve got to get them out of the oven,” shouted Thelma from in the den. Bubba panicked and tossed Iola down the stairs into the basement. “Crack!” went Iola’s skull as it bashed on the edge of the lowest basement step.

Thelma busted through the kitchen doors and shouted “What’s all that racket in here Bubba?” “Nothin Mama, I’m just gettin’ ready for the big dance contest at the local college tomorrow night,” said Bubba. “It better not be the kind of dancing that goes on in them Patrick Swayze movies. There’s already enough dirty dancing going on in that basement every night as it is,” said Mama. Mama knelt down to get the cookies out of the oven. Vinton came into the room and looked at Bubba. Bubba knodded his head letting Vinton know “It’s all good”. The audience laughed, and then everyone who isn’t extremely fat and/or lazy got up to get a Yoo-hoo chocolate drink and a box of Milk Duds as the shot faded to black for a commercial break.

To Be Continued...

Monday, January 19, 2009

Naked Obama Unicorn Paintings

Just when you thought the Obamamania sweeping the nation couldn't get any worse, someone starts painting pictures of a naked Obama riding a unicorn.

All of these paintings were done by Dan Lacey, who was previously known for his habit of painting portraits of famous people with pancakes upon their heads.

Some of these paintings are being sold on ebay. One of them is already going for over $500.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The William Hung Website

Remember that William Hung guy on American Idol that everyone felt sorry for because they thought he had down syndrome??? America might have forgotten to pity this man, but the people of the Internet have not. Visit his poorly designed website and sign his wonderfully inspirational guestbook today.

Also, don't forget to buy a copy of the totally innuendo free Christmas CD "Hung for the Holidays". William Hung, have you no shame?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Diary of Harold the Homeless: Excerpt 13

10:00 AM – Woke up

10:15 AM – Pissed into old milk jug

10:30 AM – Threw milk jug at car of wealthy socialite

10:31 AM – Ran from cop, forced to hide in dumpster

12:30 PM – Found free taco coupon in dumpster, day was not a complete waste

1:30 PM – Obtained free taco

2:00 PM – Purchased several lottery tickets with welfare money

2:05 PM – Scratched off lottery tickets, didn’t win anything

2:06 PM – Contemplate ending life, decide to seek out liquor instead

3:00 PM – Ventured into upper class side of town to beg for money to buy liquor

3:30 PM – Ridiculed by more dignified upper class homeless people

4:00 PM – Beg wealthy people for money to buy booze, I mean support my children

5:00 PM – Begging fails to work, turn to more hostile forms of persuasion such as violent threats

6:00 PM – Shanked rich person, obtained 20 bucks and a Sacajawea dollar coin

6:45 PM – Bought liquor and horny goat weed pill from gas station bathroom

8:00 PM – Finished consuming liquor and sex pill

8:01 PM – Consider purchasing $5 handjob from mildly retarded hooker

8:05 PM – Decide to save money for more depressing, hornier day

8:30 PM – Fall Asleep

Friday, January 16, 2009

What a Wonderful World

This unintentionally racist video features the most awkward facial expressions made by a Japanese man in black face that I've ever seen.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

My Favorite Fraudulent Faith Healer: Prophet Peter Popoff

Whenever I am engaged in the verbal exchange of ideas with other humans and the topic of favorite faith healers becomes the focus of the conversation, Prophet Peter Popoff immediately "pops" into my brain.

Like many other famous faith healers, Popoff experienced his greatest heyday in the hedonistic decade commonly referred to as the 80's. After being exposed as a fraud and declaring bankruptcy in 1987, the prophet went into hiding. However, he returned to early morning cable television in the mid-2000s. It was around this time that Popoff popularity went through the metaphorical roof thanks to his Miracle Spring Water.

Prophet Peter Popoff brings a smorgasbord of free faith healing items straight from the ancient land of Jesus conveniently to your US Postal Service Mailbox. Legendary items the prophet freely gives his most trusted believers include Miracle Manna, Green Prosperity Oil, Holy Land Annointing Oil, the Healing Hands Prayer Cloth, and Miracle Spring Water (which may or may not kill you if you drink it). Be sure to sign up for some free Miracle Manna today on his website and be the envy of all your local pagans. While not my favorite Popoffian religious artifact, Miracle Manna is a sufficient item for use in restoring one's success in a life, gaining a free trip to heaven, and obtaining a beautiful woman that is lusted over by many men.

I wouldn't recommend Prophet Peter Popoff to people that are interested in seeking a genuine relationship with a deity for enlightenment or for the sake of doing what is right. I recommend Prophet Popoff for those that are solely concerned with using religious worship as a means to obtain financial wealth and more frequent occurrences of unprotected sex with strangers.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Hooray for Obama!!!

You can't stage stuff better than this. I would expect nothing less from a brace-faced YouTuber nicknamed "Sexman". SUCK IT NUPUBLICANS! He's got some other pretty funny political videos as well such as this one.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Personal Survey

I decided to fill out an electronic Internet survey so that others may learn more about me and my works. This survey consists of questions created specifically for and by me. The answers given to the questions are neither truths nor lies, they are simply answers. This survey is most enjoyable when accompanied by a CD of Thompson Twins, a glass of Peach Nehi, and a small box of Dunkaroos.

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
A lawyer notifying me of an inheritance I recently received due to a deceased relative.

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
I'm such a good shopper, sometimes I return stuff I didn't even buy at the store.

If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
I would need another person to delegate work too. I don't like to do things that are below me.

Do you like to ride horses?
I rode a horse one time in Nebraska, that's corn husker territory for all you kiddies. I read on my Internet that horse riding can arouse women sexually.

Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yeah, and this guy named Kyle got 2 girls pregnant, TWO GIRLS!

Are you judgmental?
Only if the other person isn't an asshole.

If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
None of those things matter in the dark anyways.

Are you continuing your education?
Yes, like little tree I will continue to grow and enlarge my root system.

What is your favorite children's book?
Any one where the monkey nearly chokes to death and the man in the big yellow hat has to give him mouth to mouth.

How tall are you?
Taller than my grandpa that's for sure. He's six feet under.

Where is your ideal house located?
Over the graves of deceased pagans.

Your cell phone ringtone?
I hate fancy ringtones. If I had one though it would be the sound of the emergency alert siren. That way every time I got a phone call, everyone around me would think they were about to die, and they would be temporarily reminded that their lives are devoid of any higher purpose.

When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Several months ago, I feasted with 10 other women, no lie. IF I WERE LYING, WHY WOULD I BE TYPING SO CONFIDENTLY!

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Why settle for one, when you could spend your whole life doing both.

Do you look like your mom or dad?
I got my mom's looks, and my dad's personality. One time my dad crapped on the roof of Moulton high school on a bet, I have yet to do something as equally cool but the night is young and so am I.

What movie do you want to see right now?
Any movie involving a large wheelchair bound kid getting sent to fight in Iraq.

What's outside of your window?
A world that surprisingly has not yet been blown to shenanigans by crazy Islamic fanatics.

What did you do for New Year's?
The internet, because my best friend was away with a pagan.

What was the cause of your last accident?
I don't know much about accidents, maybe you should ask my friend Kyle Nix about that. Hell, he was an accident.

What are you drinking?
White stuff that was pumped out of a cow's nipple by a tube.

Was your mom a cheerleader?
No, she had enough sense to not be an unwed teenage mother.

What's the last letter of your middle name?
E as in erogenous zone

Do you like care bears?
I hate caring for animals. If it can't be under my feet or in my belly, then forget about it.

Do you know how to play poker?
Yes, it involves bumping into women in the hallways from behind right?

Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
They've found a couple of dead bodies, and some meth labs but nothing major. One day I think it would be cool if some dude committed suicide by either jumping off or blowing up our water tower.

Do you like funny or serious people better?
I like people who are willing to tarnish their entire reputation, just for a cheap laugh from some dumbass 14 year old kid on the internet. Hey, that's me.

Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I say shiste sometimes. It sounds like Mexican for "shit" but it really means "quite".

What do you and your parents fight about the most?
Their unwillingness to accept the fact that I am the greater being.

Is your cell usually on vibrate or ring?
Only WHORES set it to vibrate.

Are you a gullible person?
No, but you are if you think I'm serious about what I write.

If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Amateur Astromen

One rainy January evening a few good men set out to accomplish something big. They didn't know what that would be at the time but it all started with a visit to the wonderful world of Wal-Mart...

It was here in the Toys section, amongst the deluge of Power Rangers action figures and WWF wrestling belts, that young Bradley discovered a lone model rocket.

Confused by the gleaming lights bursting forth from the flying phallus-like object, dubbed the Astrobeam, young Bradley summoned forth cohort Kyle to survey the find.

Aryan accomplice Kyle looked upon the glittering spectacle with excitement and said "It is good....and on clearance. Let us purchase this rocket box and all the accessories that dwell within the rocket box."

Next we searched for the most desolate, creepy, ceiling-devoid location we could think of. Discovering that the community park was filled with area homosexuals engaged in illicit coital affairs, we were forced to choose a different destination... abandoned cemetery in the middle of the woods! Don't tell any Wicca idiots about this place or Ill go Slobodan Milošević on your stupid ass.

After assembling the abominable mess found within the bottom of the rocket box, Kyle slowly guided his masterpiece down the long, hard metal rod. Good thing we didn't do this in the park.

Here Brad can be seen hooking up the wires from the control unit to the metal spark things that go inside the rocket that ignite the starter unit that resides inside the base above the plug thingie that....uh never mind I don't understand how it works, but I do know that 4 AA batteries are an absolute necessity for proper operation. We just happened to find 4 AA batteries in some kind of wing-less rocket at the park before coming to the cemetery. What luck!

After all of that hard work, everything was finally ready to go. Now all that was left to do was to push the launch button and see what happened.



The rocket safely landed in the fair arms of a woodland tree. The team then decided to launch yon rocket once more into the cemetery sky. The second launch went off without a hitch, but by random chance the rocket came down on Brad's car with great velocity. The car just suffered a few scratches on the roof, so it was totally worth it.

The third launch went fine as well, and the rocket landed on the nearby ground where it was easily recovered. With strong feelings of nationalistic pride and personal satisfaction, the boys posed for a commemorative photograph.

Disclaimer: No grave robbing, corpse mutilation, or necrophiliac acts occurred during the occupation of the woodland cemetery. No astronauts or late night park visitors were harmed in the making of this photo series.