The Diary of Harold the Homeless: Excerpt 13

10:00 AM – Woke up

10:15 AM – Pissed into old milk jug

10:30 AM – Threw milk jug at car of wealthy socialite

10:31 AM – Ran from cop, forced to hide in dumpster

12:30 PM – Found free taco coupon in dumpster, day was not a complete waste

1:30 PM – Obtained free taco

2:00 PM – Purchased several lottery tickets with welfare money

2:05 PM – Scratched off lottery tickets, didn’t win anything

2:06 PM – Contemplate ending life, decide to seek out liquor instead

3:00 PM – Ventured into upper class side of town to beg for money to buy liquor

3:30 PM – Ridiculed by more dignified upper class homeless people

4:00 PM – Beg wealthy people for money to buy booze, I mean support my children

5:00 PM – Begging fails to work, turn to more hostile forms of persuasion such as violent threats

6:00 PM – Shanked rich person, obtained 20 bucks and a Sacajawea dollar coin

6:45 PM – Bought liquor and horny goat weed pill from gas station bathroom

8:00 PM – Finished consuming liquor and sex pill

8:01 PM – Consider purchasing $5 handjob from mildly retarded hooker

8:05 PM – Decide to save money for more depressing, hornier day

8:30 PM – Fall Asleep