Mama's Family Fan Fiction - Chapter 1

I was thinking about all the strange things I’ve seen on the internet yesterday; from those stupid “Mr T. Ate My Balls” websites of yesteryear to the disturbing Gilligan’s Island erotic fan-fiction I mistakingly stumbled across one rainy night while looking for a picture of a coconut bomb. Today I wondered to myself if fan-fiction of the late 1980’s sitcom Mama’s Family existed. To my surprise I wasn’t able to find any during the 5 minutes I spent googling for it. What kind of age are we living in when a man can’t read about Vinton’s tomfoolery down at Kwik Keys without first sorting through hundreds of Google search results? I for one won’t stand for it so, I present to you the very first fan-fiction of Mama’s Family I know of, my first fan-fiction, and hopefully my last fan-fiction unless I write a sequel. I hate fan-fiction. If you write fan-fiction I hate you as well.

Mama’s Family Fan Fiction Chapter 1: Rayguns in Raytown

After that funky good old Mama’s family theme song, we see a fancy crane shot of Iola approaching the Harper’s front door. “Knock Knock” said Iola as she stood outside the Harper residence. Iola had just applied a new facial cream to her face and couldn’t wait to show Thelma (The Mama spoken of in the title of the television show.) However, Thelma was busy in the kitchen preparing her special Jesus Tear cookies for the Church bake sale and couldn’t hear Iola’s high-pitched announcement. Thelma?!?!?” shouted Iola as she worryingly continued to rub the green cream onto her old leathery skin. Iola was worried about her friend (they have lived across the street from each other since childhood), so she went around the house to go in the back door.

As Iola rounded the corner she spotted Vinton in a tree with a round, silver object atop his head. “Jumpin’ Jesuits Vinton, what are you doin’ up in the pecan tree for???” asked Iola. “It’s a Teenager from Mars!” screamed Vinton as he mistook Iola's identity because of the green cream on her face. The audience began to laugh as Vinton violently shook the tree limb he was atop trying to get Bubba’s attention. Bubba leaped out from behind a bush, brandishing a wooden baseball bat, and an angry disposition. He ran toward Iola as he pulled the bat back for a swing. At that moment Vinton shouted “Wait, Bubba, that’s ……IooooAhhhhh!” Vinton had gotten too excited, and he began to lose his balance. Vint’s warnings came a little too late however, because Bubba walloped Iola right in the back of head with his wooden bat. Bubba quickly turned to look at his blubbering buffoon of an Uncle. Vinton had swayed back and forth atop the tree limb momentarily, only to quickly lose his balance and fall into a cluster of metal garbage cans. Bubba quickly ran to the aid of his fallen Uncle. “Vint are you okay?” inquired Bubba. “Ohhhh” exclaimed Vinton from amongst the piles of rotten stinking garbage.

“You’re a hero Vint, a darn tootin’ hero” exclaimed Bubba. “Huh?” questioned Vinton. “If it hadn’t of been for your warning, that teenager from Mars would of sucked my brains out” said Bubba. “Nooo” bellowed Vinton, “that was Iola you hit.” Bubba turned his head towards the fallen lanky body. “Oh my God!” exclaimed Bubba. “What’ll we do??? Do you think she’s alright???” asked Bubba. “Well I say we hide her in the basement until Naomi gets home, she’ll know what to do” suggested Vinton. “That’s a darn good idea Uncle Vint. When I grow up I hope I’m as smart as you are,” said Bubba. “Play your cards right boy, and I might just get you a job at Kwik Keys. Now come on, we better hide that body before Mama starts gettin’ suspicious,” said Vinton.

Bubba quickly threw the unconscious body of Iola over his shoulder, her mouth hung open, drooling onto his suspenders. Vinton cautiously peeked into the window over the sink; then crept up to the back door of the kitchen. He pointed his finger up towards his mouth as he motioned for his nephew Bubba to hush. Vinton nonchalantly entered the back door. “Hello mama,” he said as he skipped up towards her and gave her a warm hug from behind. “What the heck’s wrong with you Vinton??? You’ve got more spunk in your step than that Richard Simmons character,” said Mama. “Well mama, see I need to get some stain remover from ya because Naomi was down at the Bigger Jigger, for her new job interview ya know, and she done got that barbecue sauce all over her new dress on accident. She’s too embarrassed to come out to talk to her interviewer Mama, and ya know we’re gonna really need that extra money for the new baby!” exclaimed Vinton. “Well don’t get your panties in a knot, I’ll help, ya just follow me to the closet,” said Thelma. Thelma and Vinton leave the kitchen and head towards the closet in the den. Bubba hears them leave so he quietly sneaks in through the back door with Iola’s cold, unconscious body draped across his shoulder. Suddenly a loud buzz emanated from the stove. “Oh that’s the Jesus Tears, I’ve got to get them out of the oven,” shouted Thelma from in the den. Bubba panicked and tossed Iola down the stairs into the basement. “Crack!” went Iola’s skull as it bashed on the edge of the lowest basement step.

Thelma busted through the kitchen doors and shouted “What’s all that racket in here Bubba?” “Nothin Mama, I’m just gettin’ ready for the big dance contest at the local college tomorrow night,” said Bubba. “It better not be the kind of dancing that goes on in them Patrick Swayze movies. There’s already enough dirty dancing going on in that basement every night as it is,” said Mama. Mama knelt down to get the cookies out of the oven. Vinton came into the room and looked at Bubba. Bubba knodded his head letting Vinton know “It’s all good”. The audience laughed, and then everyone who isn’t extremely fat and/or lazy got up to get a Yoo-hoo chocolate drink and a box of Milk Duds as the shot faded to black for a commercial break.

To Be Continued...